THE NEVER-ENDING SHIT SHOW. – Rants

First up are the kids out in Auburn Hills, aka Stellantis. Things are so bad currently that Stellantis’ first-half operating income plummeted 40 percent. Why? The company’s North American operation has turned into a Shit Show of gigantic proportions. And remember, Stellantis’ U.S. operation is where all of its profits come from. How bad is it? Ram truck and Jeep sales have cratered 33 percent from the first half of 2019 to the same period this year, according to the research minions at Cox Automotive. All together now: Not. Very. Good.

Things are so bad that exalted Stellantis CEO Carlos Tavares interrupted his traditional summer R&R break to personally conduct a three-day fact-finding mission here last week to find out what the hell is going on. (Only three days? That’s wildly optimistic. -WG)

I’m sure Tavares discovered that Stellantis marketing minions assigned to Jeep kept jacking up prices over the last three years to the point that Jeep sales emphatically declined over that same period, The Red Mist of Greed having purged every last shred of rational thought from the premises. To his credit, Tavares has publicly attributed the mistakes to “arrogance” on his part – taking one for the team – but who’s kidding whom here? Behind the scenes it was a vastly different story, because I understand that the CEO’s mood was grim, with him wondering aloud how his operatives could do such damage to a heretofore unimpeachable brand. In fact, it was serial incompetence on a devastating scale, and now Jeep operatives are being forced to dramatically walk back Jeep prices, model by model. And it will get u-g-l-y from here on out.

But that’s not all, because Tavares also discovered on his fact-finding mission that his Dodge division is in deep trouble. Divisional operatives have embarked on one of this industry’s major miscalculations by “assuming” that they could just “flip a switch” and move Dodge Charger and Challenger customers – some of the hardest core enthusiast buyers in the business – to all-EV versions of those two products. That resounding thud you hear is the fact that the mission to convert these hardcore customers to EVs is not only shaping up to be a nonstarter, but even more horrifying for Tavares, the entire program is, for all intents and purposes, pretty much dead in the water at this juncture.

I don’t care how closely Tavares monitors this situation – in fact he could move here for the rest of the year and it still wouldn’t fix things. It’s hard to believe that just a few short years ago, Stellantis’ U.S. operation was one of this industry’s can’t-miss propositions. Now? It will take all of Tavares’ expertise from keeping Stellantis’ U.S. operation from embarking on a death spiral of epic proportions. An exaggeration? Don’t kid yourselves, folks. Stellantis is decidedly under the gun, big time.

And then there’s Ford. It seems that every week now there’s a revelation over in Dearborn about how on top of things Ford operatives are with the changing winds brought on by the lackadaisical consumer acceptance of EVs. It was just a few short years ago that CEO Jim Farley – aka “Electric Boy” – was touting the fact that Ford would be the worldwide leader in electric propulsion. Now? It has been walk-back after walk-back for Ford, as the reality of sluggish consumer adoption of EVs had picked up steam.

Ford’s latest walk-back? The company is canceling its long-planned three-row electric crossovers and delaying its next-generation full-size electric pickup by 18 months. The changes could cost up to $1.9 billion, including a $400 million non-cash charge related to canceling the crossovers that it had already postponed from 2025. Now? Ford plans to build a family of hybrid three-row crossovers at some point in the future. In other words, it’s anyone’s guess when we’ll see those appear in the market.

And true to form for Ford of late, the walk-back is always couched in how smart they are. This is a Farley trick for completely avoiding accountability, insisting that Ford is always one step ahead of everybody else and that it won’t be long before the company assumes its rightful place at the top. The top of what is another matter altogether. In fact, the exact opposite is true. Ford has been backpedaling at a furious rate for years now, with its wildly premature commitment to EVs – thanks to “Electric Boy” – costing the Dearborn automaker billions.

That hasn’t stopped others in the company from singing from Farley’s song book, however. CFO John Lawler had the temerity to say the following to the assembled media: “This is really about us being nimble and listening to responses from our customers. We looked where the segment was evolving, the amount of competition, the customer needs, and then, the size of the battery that needs to go in a pure EV, the cost structure, the pricing, (and) we could not put together a vehicle that met our requirements to be profitable in the first 12 months of launch.”

“Us being nimble”-? What a bunch of unmitigated bullshit. A more accurate description? “We don’t have a frickin’ clue as to what we’re doing. We’ve been reacting instead of acting for years, and we can’t seem to get ahead of anything in this market.” But the backslapping will continue over in Dearborn, because no automaker in this business believes its own press clippings more than Farley & Co.

I need to remind everyone at this point in time that though the ID. Buzz is finally arriving at dealers late this year, it is a full eight years after it was first shown to the public. I see three major concerns for the “Buzz” right out of the gate. First, the launch timing is atrocious. Despite the shiny happy EV boosters suggesting that “it won’t be long now!” for EV sales momentum, the reality is that EV sales are sluggish, to put it mildly. Secondly, the EPA-estimated range for the Buzz is underwhelming to say the least. 234 miles on the rear-wheel-drive version? Wow, as in, you have to be kidding me. And finally, the price is a killer. Yes, for months the buzz about the “Buzz” was that it would be pricey, I get that. But VW operatives are going to find out the hard way that the list for the “first-on-the-block” types who just gotta have a “Buzz” is going to be painfully short. The ID. Buzz is just too damn expensive, no matter how VW deigns to position it, but good luck with that, kids.

And finally, as if to underline the height of absurdity going on in this business right now, Cadillac has decided that wasting its time in pursuit of being tragically hip is more productive than fixing its product issues. (In case you missed it, Cadillac has recalled every single one of its LYRIC EV SUVs. -WG.)

How so? Cadillac has teamed up with Los Angeles designer Dominic Ciambrone and his team at SURGEON on an exclusive collection of custom sneakers. Each style in the collection is directly inspired by a vehicle in Cadillac’s EV portfolio, including the Cadillac LYRIQ, CELESTIQ, OPTIQ and ESCALADE IQ.

I want you to read that paragraph back to yourself very s-l-o-w-l-y without shaking your head.

“Cadillac’s design philosophy celebrates transforming the ordinary into the extraordinary, individualizing what is common into something that is distinctively yours,” said Bryan Nesbitt, executive director, Global Cadillac Design. “Cadillac has the desire to set the standard for American luxury, just as Dominic and his team have set the standard for American craftmanship and bespoke design in the sneaker industry.” (Speaking of setting standards, just last month, Nike filed a $60 million suit against ol’ Dominic, accusing him of counterfeit and trademark infringement. Is it too late to take a scalpel to the “Shoe Surgeon’s” contract? -WG)

You can check out some of those shoes – which are rumored to cost in the neighborhood of $5,000, in case you were wondering – below.

I have no words. (Actually, our readers know that is not true – WG.) Why this arrangement happened is beyond me. Are Cadillac operatives that obsessed with taking a flyer on lowering the average age of its buyers that they actually talked themselves into this being a good idea? Because the lingering impression it gives me is that when you got nothin’ to talk about, start talkin’ about shoes. And that is just flat-out stupid, folks. Talk about a giant bowl of Not Good.

The Shit Show in this business is never-ending, apparently.

And that’s the High-Octane Truth for this week.

(Cadillac Images)

Cadillac x SURGEON – OPTIQ

Cadillac x SURGEON – ESCALADE IQ

Cadillac x SURGEON – CELESTIQ

Cadillac x SURGEON – LYRIQ